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Tommy Hayes

Thomas “Tommy” Hayes Jr. was a Pasadena technology entrepreneur, the father of Evan Hayes, and the grandfather of Lila Hayes. He founded Hayes Technologies in 1995 after working for HP and Dell. Tommy lived with chronic migraine for nearly twenty-eight years before receiving a hemiplegic migraine diagnosis in March 1997. During his marriage, Deborah Hayes repeatedly dismissed his symptoms and contributed to delayed care.

Early Life and Health

Tommy was born in 1954. He was autistic, with a careful, methodical processing style, a preference for predictable routines and smaller social settings, and discomfort at large events. He was a patient, practical problem-solver who took time to understand a situation before responding. He spoke quietly, did not fill silence for its own sake, and showed loyalty through steady presence.

His first hemiplegic migraine episode occurred at age fifteen in 1969, and the episodes continued without a correct diagnosis for nearly twenty-eight years. His more severe attacks usually involved left-sided weakness and numbness, including his face, along with speech changes and severe headache; the weakness could last hours or, at times, days. Especially in the years before his diagnosis, he had more migraine days in a month than days without migraine and used over-the-counter and prescription migraine medication a few times a month to keep working.

During the morning of March 26, 1997, Tommy went to Hayes Technologies despite a severe episode and completed a 9:34 a.m. investor meeting as his symptoms worsened. Brenda sent him home shortly before 10:00 a.m. and told him to pull over and call if he became less able to drive. At 10:17 a.m., Tommy stopped at a Shell station on Colorado Boulevard near Sierra Madre, where he vomited, became dizzy and weak, developed heavily slurred speech, and could not recall the office number. A passerby named Angela found his business card and helped him call Brenda.

Brenda reached Tommy at 10:29 a.m. and drove him toward Huntington Memorial Hospital. He lost consciousness in the passenger seat at 10:31 a.m. and reached the emergency department minutes later. A stroke evaluation led to his hemiplegic migraine diagnosis.

Main article: Migraine Reference

Relationship to His Body

Deborah’s repeated dismissal of Tommy’s migraine symptoms contributed to his self-doubt and delayed medical care. His March 1997 hemiplegic migraine diagnosis gave him a framework for symptoms that Deborah had repeatedly minimized during their marriage.

At the hospital, Tommy told Evan that Deborah had called him dramatic and attributed his symptoms to stress or imagination. He admitted that he had begun to believe he was weak. Evan held his hand, and Tommy stopped concealing the full extent of his symptoms from him. After the diagnosis and divorce, Tommy worked to trust his body’s signals, speak up about his needs, and discover ordinary preferences that had received little space during the marriage.

New treatment helped reduce his most severe attacks during the observed follow-up, but he remained tired and continued to have headaches on most days.

The marriage also left Tommy with post-traumatic stress disorder. In September 1998, hearing Evan cry privately in the shower triggered a visceral fear response tied to Tommy’s own years of hiding distress from Deborah. He distinguished Pattie’s pregnancy-related medical dysregulation from Deborah’s sustained dismissal while recognizing the effect that Evan’s exhaustion was having on him.

Career

Main article: Tommy Hayes (Career and Legacy)

Tommy attended college. He worked for HP and later Dell before founding Hayes Technologies in 1995. The company provided network-infrastructure and IT-systems consulting and grew to five employees with clients across Southern California by March 1997. Its success allowed Tommy to provide financial and practical support when Evan became a teenage parent.

During the late 1990s, Tommy used computers at home and at Hayes Technologies as well as internet access, email, and a mobile phone. The Hayes household’s computer access also supported Evan’s schoolwork and AIM use.

Family and Core Relationships

Evan Hayes

Main article: Tommy Hayes and Evan Hayes

Tommy and Evan shared an autistic neurotype and similar careful, methodical approaches to new information. Tommy understood Evan’s need to think before responding, his preference for smaller groups, and his reliance on research and organized systems. Evan lived with Tommy after his parents separated in 1997. When Evan disclosed Pattie Matsuda’s pregnancy in 1998, Tommy responded without judgment and offered practical, financial, and emotional support.

During the marriage, Tommy had shielded Evan from the worst of Deborah’s treatment rather than making his son a confidant about it. After the divorce, he struggled with depression and grief while trying to remain present for Evan. On one Sunday when Evan came home at sixteen with a hangover and migraine, Tommy was making lasagna and garlic bread. He recognized the hangover from his own college years and asked what Evan had drunk without first scolding him.

He helped with research, transportation, appointments, and planning while respecting Evan and Pattie’s decisions. When Evan’s exhaustion reminded Tommy of his own years of hiding distress, Tommy feared his son might disappear into caretaking in a similar way. He sought help from the Matsudas instead of placing that fear on Evan.

By late September 1998, Evan’s school, work, caregiving, and appointment schedule had become unsustainable. Tommy contacted Ellen Matsuda and Greg Matsuda and joined them in coordinating additional adult support for Evan and Pattie.

Main article: Tommy Hayes Kitchen Confrontation with Matsudas (Late September 1998) - Event

Lila Hayes

Tommy supported Evan and Pattie during the pregnancy, Lila’s neonatal intensive care stay, and her early infancy. He visited the NICU regularly, sometimes holding Lila at four in the morning so Evan could sleep. After discharge, he helped with feeding, overnight care, pharmacy runs, and research into her colic. He covered expenses and allowed the young parents to lead decisions about their daughter. He joined Matsuda family gatherings and became close to Pattie, Ellen, and Greg.

Romantic and Significant Relationships

Deborah Hayes

Main article: Tommy Hayes and Deborah Hayes

Tommy and Deborah married around 1977 and divorced in 1997 after approximately twenty years. Deborah came from greater inherited wealth and valued status and social performance. She dismissed Tommy’s migraine symptoms and criticized autistic traits he shared with Evan, including his deliberate processing and use of written systems. She left him for a younger, wealthier man while divorce proceedings were underway, causing him grief and further undermining his sense of worth. After the separation, Evan lived with Tommy. Remaining co-parent contact ended after Deborah attacked Pattie during the 1998 pregnancy disclosure and Evan ended his relationship with her.

Personal Presentation

Tommy dressed comfortably and practically. He moved with a careful deliberation consistent with his understated manner.

Memorable Quotes

“What do you need from me?” (Spoken when Evan disclosed Pattie’s pregnancy.)

“You’re already showing more courage than I did for twenty-eight years. You’re stepping up. You’re not letting anyone tell you what you should feel or what you should do. That matters.” (To Evan after the pregnancy disclosure.)

“I believe you.” (An assurance he regularly gave Evan.)

“I started to believe her. That maybe I was just… weak.” (To Evan at the hospital in March 1997, describing Deborah’s dismissal.)

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