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Tommy Hayes and Lila Hayes

Thomas “Tommy” Hayes Jr. and Lila Marie Hayes are paternal grandfather and granddaughter. Tommy was forty-four when Lila was born. He supported Evan and Pattie during the pregnancy, Lila’s premature birth and neonatal intensive care stay, and her early infancy. He remained Lila’s present paternal grandparent after Evan permanently excluded Deborah Hayes from the family.

Before Lila’s Birth

Tommy learned about the pregnancy in summer 1998, after Evan had turned sixteen. His first response was to ask his son, “What do you need from me?” He provided money, transportation, research and planning help, and emotional support, attended appointments when invited, and respected Evan and Pattie’s decision to raise their child. Tommy saw in Evan’s determination to remain involved a quality he recognized in himself.

Tommy’s hemiplegic migraine diagnosis in March 1997 had ended nearly twenty-eight years without an explanation for his symptoms. The medical crisis and a hospital conversation about Deborah’s dismissal of his illness had deepened his relationship with Evan before the pregnancy. After Evan disclosed it, Tommy told him, “You’re already showing more courage than I did for twenty-eight years. You’re stepping up. You’re not letting anyone tell you what you should feel or what you should do. That matters.”

Tommy’s support did not remove Evan’s sense of responsibility. Evan continued school, worked at Burger King, attended appointments, and tried to build his own budget. By late September, the schedule had exhausted him. Tommy contacted Ellen Matsuda and Greg Matsuda and helped the adults coordinate more sustainable support for both teenagers.

Birth and NICU Stay

Main article: Lila Hayes Birth and NICU Stay (October 1998) - Event

Pattie’s severe preeclampsia and pulmonary edema led to an emergency cesarean section at thirty-one weeks on October 28, 1998. Lila weighed three pounds, one ounce and remained in the neonatal intensive care unit through early December.

Tommy supported Evan during the uncertainty of the birth and hospitalization. His own history of medical dismissal made him attentive to the information the care team provided and to Evan and Pattie’s accounts of what they needed. He did not treat their fear, exhaustion, or requests for help as evidence that they were incapable parents.

Tommy met Lila during the NICU stay. She breathed independently and cried much louder than her size suggested despite the wires around her; Tommy saw determination in her loud protests. He loved her immediately and promised to be present. He became one of her regular visitors, sometimes sitting quietly beside her and speaking softly to her, and sometimes holding her at four in the morning so Evan could sleep. He also drove the teenagers to appointments and brought them food. At Tommy’s house on November 8, their friends held a gathering for the young parents while Lila remained in the NICU.

Early Infancy

After discharge, Lila alternated between the Matsuda and Hayes households. She experienced substantial colic, and Tommy helped with feeding, holding, transportation, and overnight care so that Evan and Pattie could rest. He made pharmacy runs for formula and researched colic remedies with Evan. His financial help also covered costs created by Lila’s premature birth and NICU stay. His assistance supplemented their parenting rather than replacing it.

Tommy spoke softly to Lila and remained involved in diaper changes, crying spells, and other daily care as well as family gatherings. His long experience of pain informed his patience while holding her through extended colic episodes. He understood that he could not always relieve her distress but could stay with her while Evan and Pattie rested. He reassured them that the difficulty of caring for a colicky baby did not mean they had failed as parents.

Stress could trigger Tommy’s migraines, so he balanced regular involvement with his physical limits and was honest with Evan when he needed rest or could not take on a particular task. That honesty let Evan plan around Tommy’s health without treating it as abandonment or requiring Tommy to conceal an episode.

Tommy’s grandfather role continued the form of care he had given Evan: calm presence, practical help, and respect for another person’s experience. He validated the teenagers when newborn care felt unmanageable and remained available without using financial support to control their decisions.

For Tommy, grandfatherhood brought quiet joy and gratitude that his diagnosis and treatment had made sustained involvement more possible. He had lived through Evan’s early childhood while managing an undiagnosed condition and Deborah’s dismissal of it; with Lila, he could be present from the beginning under different circumstances. He understood his involvement as another way of refusing the expectation that men should endure pain silently or prove care through authority. He wanted Lila to know she was wanted and valued without having to earn that acceptance. Sharing her care also deepened his bond with Evan.

He told Evan, “You’re doing great. This is hard, but you’re showing up, and that’s what matters.” The encouragement acknowledged the difficulty of caring for Lila without treating the teenagers’ need for help as a failure.

Family Context

Tommy was Lila’s only present paternal grandparent. Evan’s permanent estrangement from Deborah meant that Deborah did not participate in the pregnancy, birth, NICU stay, infancy, or later family events. Tommy did not use his involvement to mediate between them or weaken Evan’s boundary. He spoke openly about Lila and attended gatherings with her rather than treating teenage parenthood as a family embarrassment. His care contrasted with Deborah’s rejection of Pattie and Lila; he understood that rejection as Deborah’s loss, not a deficiency in Lila.

Lila also received extensive support from Ellen and Greg Matsuda and from Pattie’s siblings. As Lila’s white paternal grandfather in a Japanese American and white family, Tommy worked within that wider network rather than treating the two households as competing sources of care. He respected Ellen and Greg’s role and joined Matsuda family gatherings without asserting authority over the decisions Evan and Pattie made for Lila. His participation helped keep both sides of her family involved without making paternal authority a condition of his support.

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