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Tommy Hayes and Evan Hayes

Thomas “Tommy” Hayes Jr. and Evan Thomas Hayes are father and son. They share an autistic neurotype, a methodical approach to information, and a preference for smaller social settings. Tommy gave Evan time to process, believed his account of his own experience, and expressed love through practical support. Evan made Tommy’s home his primary residence after his parents separated in 1997 and relied on his father throughout Pattie Matsuda’s pregnancy and Lila’s infancy.

Childhood and Shared Neurotype

Evan was born in Pasadena on June 14, 1982. Like Tommy, he observed before participating, needed time to organize unfamiliar information, and used notebooks, lists, and systems to make uncertainty manageable. Deborah treated those traits as excessive or socially awkward. Tommy recognized them as familiar and useful.

Tommy accommodated Evan without requiring either of them to name their autism. He did not demand immediate answers, push Evan into large-group interaction, or treat written organization as a flaw. He regularly answered Evan’s pain or uncertainty with “I believe you,” gave him time to answer, and offered guidance when Evan asked for it. When Evan later built pregnancy budgets and filled notebooks with research, Tommy understood the process because he had used similar methods to found Hayes Technologies and prepare for Evan’s birth.

Cody Matsuda’s 1995 Crisis

In spring 1995, sixteen-year-old Cody Matsuda survived a suicide attempt and acquired motor apraxia of speech. Twelve-year-old Evan overheard Deborah call Cody “a waste,” say the family should have “just let him” die, and order Evan to distance himself from the Matsudas.

Evan cried after hearing her, then visited Pattie with her favorite snacks and remained connected to the family. Tommy saw his son choose compassion over Deborah’s approval. Evan later learned American Sign Language to communicate with Cody.

March 1997 Medical Crisis

Main article: Migraine Reference

Tommy had experienced hemiplegic-migraine symptoms since age fifteen. Deborah repeatedly dismissed them throughout the marriage, and Tommy learned to minimize his pain and question his own body. By the morning of March 26, 1997, a severe episode was progressing while he worked. He became unable to continue driving, lost consciousness while his secretary Brenda took him toward Huntington Memorial Hospital, and received a hemiplegic-migraine diagnosis after nearly twenty-eight years of symptoms.

At the hospital, Tommy told Evan that Deborah had called him dramatic and described his symptoms as stress or something “in his head.” He admitted, “I started to believe her. That maybe I was just… weak.” Evan held his hand, remained at the hospital, and understood the medical meaning behind years when his father had seemed tired or “off,” moved more slowly, spoke less, or had less energy.

The conversation deepened their trust. Tommy stopped concealing the full extent of his symptoms from Evan, and Evan gained language for the damage that repeated medical dismissal had caused. Both understood more clearly why believing a person’s account of pain mattered, including when the condition was not immediately visible.

Divorce and Shared Home

Divorce proceedings were underway before Tommy’s March diagnosis. Deborah left Tommy for a younger, wealthier man, and the divorce was finalized later in 1997. Tommy grieved the marriage while continuing to care for Evan. Evan made Tommy’s house his primary home.

The household gave both men room for routines, written systems, and direct communication without Deborah’s criticism. Tommy maintained notebooks for his business, health, and family responsibilities. Evan used the same approach for schoolwork and, later, preparation for fatherhood.

During the marriage, Tommy had deliberately shielded Evan from the worst of Deborah’s treatment. Deborah usually saved her accusations that Tommy was dramatic or weak for private moments, and Tommy did not use Evan as a confidant or recruit him as an ally against her. Evan witnessed enough to recognize her pattern, but Tommy maintained the boundary between seeking support and placing the marriage on his son.

After the divorce, Tommy struggled with depression while trying to remain present for Evan. When sixteen-year-old Evan came home one Sunday with a migraine and a hangover, Tommy had been preparing lasagna and garlic bread. He recognized the hangover from his own college years, asked how much Evan had drunk, and responded with concern rather than anger.

Summer 1998 Pregnancy Disclosure

Pattie and Evan conceived Lila in spring 1998, when both were fifteen. Pattie discovered the pregnancy that summer, after Evan’s sixteenth birthday. Deborah attacked Pattie, questioned paternity, and used Pattie’s ADHD against her. Evan rejected the accusations and called Tommy to collect them from Deborah’s house.

Tommy’s first question was, “What do you need from me?” He offered practical, financial, and emotional support without taking control of the teenagers’ decisions. He told Evan, “You’re already showing more courage than I did for twenty-eight years. You’re stepping up. You’re not letting anyone tell you what you should feel or what you should do. That matters.” Evan continued working at Burger King and trying to budget independently, but Tommy remained available for expenses, transportation, appointments, and planning.

September 1998 Intervention

Main article: Tommy Hayes Kitchen Confrontation with Matsudas (Late September 1998) - Event

By late September, Evan was working six days a week at Burger King while attending school, spending evenings with Pattie, and doing homework and pregnancy research late into the night. He was losing weight, forgetting meals, and falling asleep sitting up. Tommy heard him crying privately in the shower. The sound triggered Tommy’s post-traumatic stress from years of hiding his own distress during the marriage to Deborah.

Tommy distinguished Pattie’s pregnancy-related illness and loss of emotional regulation from Deborah’s sustained cruelty. He did not blame Pattie or burden Evan with the comparison. Instead, he contacted Ellen Matsuda and Greg Matsuda and met with them to coordinate more adult support for both teenagers. He told them, “Evan’s not okay,” and explained the schedule and exhaustion he had observed.

Lila’s Birth and Grandfatherhood

Main article: Lila Hayes Birth and NICU Stay (October 1998) - Event

Lila was born by emergency cesarean section at thirty-one weeks on October 28, 1998. Tommy visited her in the neonatal intensive care unit regularly and sometimes held her at four in the morning so Evan could sleep. After Lila’s early-December discharge, he helped with feeding, overnight care, pharmacy runs, and research into her colic. His involvement allowed Evan to remain an active father without carrying every financial and practical demand alone.

Tommy’s relationship with Lila gave Evan a model of engaged grandfatherhood. He covered expenses and joined Matsuda family gatherings while leaving decisions about Lila with her parents. The support was consistent with the question Tommy had asked at the pregnancy disclosure: he centered what Evan, Pattie, and Lila needed without demanding control or credit. As Evan built his own family, he consciously chose Tommy’s example of validation and presence over Deborah’s pattern of dismissal.

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