My fiancé is very romantic
A note before I begin: Jae gave his permission for everything about him and our relationship that I’ve shared in this post. We discussed what I wanted to include. Some things are staying between us.
I don’t write about our relationship very often, and I’m beginning to realize that some people have filled in the parts I haven’t shared with a relationship I don’t recognize.
In particular, there seems to be an assumption that I don’t get to be treated romantically. People ask whether I miss being taken on dates or having someone make me feel beautiful. Sometimes they phrase it gently, which makes it harder to answer without sounding angry at someone who thinks they’ve been kind.
I am angry about the assumption. I’m also a little bewildered by it, because I live with a man who gave me a new ring because the previous one “needed an upgrade.”
I hadn’t asked for an upgrade. He had decided that this was necessary.
Jae tells me I’m beautiful very often. He also enjoys making me blush, so telling him that he’s already said it doesn’t necessarily reduce the number of times he says it.
I like wearing light dresses that fit me well. I like how I look in them. Sometimes I choose one knowing that he’ll notice, and I look forward to that part of getting ready. I don’t become less pleased about it because my face may not show as much as another person’s would. Being quiet hasn’t prevented me from being very attracted to my fiancé.
He planned a date for us while I was at college: dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant we like, then ice cream. His sister, his mother, and Charlie helped with the arrangements. He also took what he calls a super nap so that he could rest before we went out.
I was delighted. He had thought about an evening he wanted us to have together, including what he needed to make it possible, and I got to come home to that.
I know that mentioning the help will change the story for some people. They’ll want to know which parts he did himself before deciding how romantic they’re willing to find it. I don’t know how to explain the evening to someone who hears that his family helped and concludes that his wishes must have belonged to them.
I was there with him. I knew who wanted to take me out.
There are also much smaller things that I’m reluctant to turn into examples, because I like having parts of our life that don’t become an explanation for strangers. He reaches for me. He wants to kiss me. He likes having me close, and he lets me know when a video call is an inadequate substitute for being able to touch me. He can be annoyed with me and still want my hand.
I enjoy that last part more than he probably intends when he’s annoyed.
Some days I help him dress. Some days he needs a great deal of help, and we don’t get the evening we hoped for. I can be tired or disappointed. I can want time alone. He can feel terrible and be thoroughly fed up with everything. Those days belong to our relationship, too, and I don’t want to hide them to make the dates sound convincing.
What bothers me is how readily people accept an account of me helping him, then seem to need evidence when I say that he loves me actively and romantically. My care is easy for them to believe. His affection apparently requires further explanation.
I don’t want to keep answering that by making more of our private life public. This post contains a few things we were both happy to share. It isn’t an invitation to ask for more intimate details.
I also don’t want Jae’s ability to plan a date to become another requirement he has to meet. If he’s too ill to arrange something, I still love him. A canceled evening doesn’t make our engagement less real.
For now, I would like people to believe me when I say that I’m happy with him. I get excited about seeing him. I enjoy his flirting. I like choosing a dress and knowing that he’ll have something to say about it.
I’m looking forward to marrying him, and I would enjoy being asked about that without having to correct the question first.